A Silent Slumber

Today I will share something different. It still applies to our theme of United We Sleep, but in a much more individualized manner.

A Silent Slumber :

Today a man killed himself. He left a lengthy suicide not that explained why he felt that he could not take another breath. It was harrowing at the least.

He wrote:
“I’ve decided to leave you all behind. I have become a failure in more ways than I can tolerate any longer. I failed to make enough money to provide the basic necessities. I can no longer afford to keep your home or buy groceries. I can no longer have the confidence that made you love me as a husband, or trust me as a father, or confide in me as a friend.

I cannot begin to explain how many times trying has met a brick wall. So many nights I sat sleepless, attempting to manifest the courage to keep going. I cried myself to sleep, silently as not to disturb you. I woke the next day, more embarrassed that the night did not claim me, only to leave me in peril another day. You see, happiness has not been my friend for many years, and lately, hardship piled on misery is just unbearable. I still hold love in my heart, and will take it with me as I move on to whatever journey awaits me. I hope you can now move on to a place and time in your lives where my failures do no longer impede your happiness and growth.

The education has been interesting, sad, blissful for moments, and tragic. There was happiness at times, and just enough so to cause me to realize what is missing. If poverty is all you know, than poverty is acceptable as a way of life. But if happiness was here, now emptiness remains…there is no acceptable way to make up for the wholeheartedness. Consumption used to be the name given to what we call cancer nowadays. It was a term meaning the body was being consumed from within, with bad overtaking good. Well, I have consumption of the soul, and body, and mind.

I cannot leave you all so openly and ask for forgiveness, so I will only ask for understanding. This is only a lesson in why, not a letter seeking redemption. I have known other people who gave up, and the question was always, why. They didn’t tell us what was wrong. How could it be so bad that “insert name here” chose to give up on life and love forever. Here is my answer. Life and love are not one in the same. You can love and have a miserable life, and you can live and not know love. But when you loose at both and see constant reminders of how failed your very being is, you learn to hate yourself. You become more and angrier at each passing day. You look for reasons to breathe, reasons to care, reasons to smile, and every day you find less and less, until there are none remaining.”

This note is Fictional. This man does not exist, but it is a testiment to all those who have passed silently while burdened with the sorrows unseen. How many cry silently while we sleep? How many hold inside the pain of such tremendous sadness and loneliness?
Rather than asking “why” when we loose someone in this tragic manner, we should look around to see if there is a person we know who seems this sad or troubled. Have we done enough to make sure those we love know it, every day? Have we made sure we are not simply leaving our feelings to be understood?
To all my friends and loved ones who follow by reading these words, make sure you don’t get a letter like this one. Please visit http://www.twloha.com/facts.php to learn about suicide prevention and how you can help.
Peace!